Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
