the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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