Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
As shirtless as possible
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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