I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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