I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
