I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
