cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
