He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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