I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
