i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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