Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I pour the whiskey from now on
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
