He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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