i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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