I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
