brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize