I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
