i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
