apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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