i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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