So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
