She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
