look no pants
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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