First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
