my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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