My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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