it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
