You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think i got beer on your cat.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
