Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
