i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Walk of Shame today included voting.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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