So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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