I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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