sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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