i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
