It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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