I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
