I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
