I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
