i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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