Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
