I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
