If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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