my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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