You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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