tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
