I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
