I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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