Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
