I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
