Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
