did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
