You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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