He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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