If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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