He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
