Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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